A Guide, For when the NHS hits the fan *snigger*
Out of boredom today and having achieved little else, I thought of this guide, which will prove more useful than the NHS in time….:
In an emergency it is important that someone with a life-threatening condition is treated in the appropriate way. For instance, anyone who has been speared by a huge lance should immediately be invited to sit down and drink a cup of tea. Several people can then attempt to drag the lance free while waiting for the doctor to arrive.
There are many different kinds of first aid and each is specific to the kind of accident that has occurred:
Anyone who has been poisoned should be hidden in a hole in the cellar and covered in quick-lime before the police are called.
If a person is choking then several hard blows across the back of the head with a lump of wood are recommended. In the case of children, swinging the child around by the ankle has been found to produce dramatic effects.
Broken legs should be treated by encouraging the patient to dance. This will have the effect of taking their mind off the pain until the emergency services arrive.
A fractured skull can be particularly hazardous, as many people who have suffered this injury find it impossible to remember their PIN ad therefore, cannot afford the taxi fare to the nearest hospital. Anyone with a suspected fractured skull should be made to sit with their head between their knees while drinking a glass of red wine.
Burns are best avoided by keeping away from fire. However, should this become impossible (where Napalm is involved) then throwing petrol on the victim usually has spectacular results.
A dislocated shoulder can quite easily be popped back into the socket by anyone passing by. If the joint still doesn’t respond then amputation is the usual course of action.
Anyone who has been hit, head on by a combine harvester is advised to take two aspirins and lay down in a darkened room until told otherwise.
People who have been run over by trains are sometimes forced to remain at home for anything up to three or four hours after initial contact.
A special organisation called the Mafia exists to further the public’s knowledge of medicine. This is not to be confused with the Red Cross, a fanatical group of Russian communists from the 1950s who advocated euthanasia for anyone over the age of fifteen.
Doctors recommend that every household should possess a First Aid Kit. This should comprise of two knitting needles, a large rubber sack, two hammers, a nail gun, a selection of fridge magnets, lighter fuel and water, containing a few healthy spoonfuls of LSD.
First Aid courses are available for anyone to study (hahaha!!) at their local pet shop and usually come free with a bag of fish food…
Pass this on to someone, hopefully it’ll cheer ‘em up a bit, unless they’ve been victims of the above problems. In which case, censor as necessary.